More of you, less of me.

This has always been one of my favorite verses. You know, one of those that you read and it just jumps out at you from the page. That's John 3:30 for me. I didn't know that God would give me more understanding of it the longer I walked with Him.

You see, in 2012, I was going through an awful time in my life. Everything felt like it was just falling apart. I was holding on by a thread to my faith. And then, God allowed me to suffer a miscarriage. I was devastated. Angry. Confused. Why had God taken even this from me? I wondered. It felt like my life became a re-enactment of the book of Job because my family and I were walking through a time of so much heartbreak and despair. I couldn't see why God would let this happen. I had served Him almost all my life. I had never doubted Him before. But now doubt was all I knew.

I begged God to let me just get through it. I wanted to turn against Him and just walk away. I even tried to do that, but God sent someone to me at that exact moment to minister to me to let me know He still heard. And I just needed to hang in there a LITTLE longer. So that's what I did.

Fast forward to 2014. God gave me our youngest child. My child of promise. You see, even while I had miscarried, God told me he had rainbows for me. He even gave my sister a dream of a child that would come to us during a season of overflow.

Our child of promise...sweet J. 

God, in His goodness, was faithful. Not only did He deliver us out of a terrible situation, He did much more. He gave us not only enough to get by, which was my prayer, but He gave us extra. You ever hear that old saying, "the devil has to pay you double for your trouble?" Folks, I am here to tell you. IT IS TRUE! God started crazy blessing us. We started dreaming again.

Have you ever been so low that you don't even want to have hope in anything anymore? That was us. I was scared to dream. Scared to plan for the future. God showed me I have to trust Him, even in the hard stuff. Even when things don't work our how I want them to. And suddenly, the fear was gone. I wasn't afraid anymore. Heck, I had already been through hell and back. And God brought me through that, so...what was there to fear now?

Since 2014, it hasn't all been easy. We had another miscarriage in 2015. And while I don't want to diminish that loss, it wasn't as hard as the first one. Why? Because I had really learned to not just say, but believe, "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I remembered then, that God promised me rainbows. Plural. More than one. So He already had prepared my heart in a way for what was to come.

Since God gave my heart the ability to dream again...I started thinking ahead after the second loss. To the child God promised me. I already had seen that God would fulfill the promise. He did that when he brought us our son. What I didn't know, was that God had dreams for me too. And His and mine were not the same at that time.

Dear little E! One of my most favorite pictures ever. 

This is what I thought that promise would be. ^^ Another beautiful, healthy, biological child. One that would know his or her family from birth and whose life would only add to the family as a whole. My plans were to bring another of these precious ones into the world. 

But this was not God's plan. 

As I washed dishes that morning, I already was thinking of the birthday month for this would-be child. Wouldn't another summer baby or a fall baby be wonderful? That would fit in just great with our schedules and the kids with their school calendars. (Feel free to laugh at me here. It's ok.) 

"What about adoption?" The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. And then a strange thing happened. My picture started changing. What was that verse again? Oh, yeah. "He must become more. I must become less." 

God had a plan, right from the start to bring my heart to that moment, at that time. The pain of the past just helped to amplify His voice. My steps were already ordered by Him to walk this road. A child, halfway around the world. A child God has already chosen to be mine. A child with a physical need that might very well make her an outcast in her own country. (My belief is that she has a missing or malformed limb.) She already has a name in my heart, and a face that I just haven't seen yet. God chose this beautiful one for my family and I. For us. We have the honor of being her mother, father, sisters, and brothers.

What a God we serve. A love that seems at times so crazy and reckless, but so full and so free. And His promise is that if we just "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness" that everything else will be added to us. Everything we need to accomplish His purpose. "He must become more. I must become less."